Cognitive Distortions And Porn Addiction
CBT and Porn Addiction
The core principle of CBT is that it is not external events that determine our mood but our own mind. In other words, it is our interpretation of outside events that cause our distress.
People who struggle with porn addiction often live as if the opposite were true. As if everything else is responsible for them acting out with porn except for their own internal states. This creates the justification or “permission” structure to continue to act out.
This usually sounds something like this:
“She shouldn’t have been wearing that short dress!”
“It was late at night and I couldn’t get to sleep”
“My wife should have had sex with me!”
“I was triggered by a post on Instagram, give me break!”
Or my all time favorite:
“Geez, I’m an addict, I can’t help it!”
Distortions
Don’t get me wrong, these are partial truths—albeit very partial. These particular examples are what therapists would call mental filtering—taking one piece of information and disregarding the rest. This is why we call them distortions, they distort the facts to fit what the addiction wants. Most of us believe that we are logical and reasonable; that we only make decisions based on our thinking and problem solving skills. Ultimately, this not the entire truth. Most of our decision making process takes place subconsciously. Essentially, our subconscious has it’s own goals for our lives and will use logic and reason to help it reach them. There is a reason why companies spend huge amounts of their operating budgets on advertising (it’s close to a $850 billion market at the time of this writing). This is all to influence our subconscious and it apparently works!
In short, we largely fit the logic to our subconscious goals instead of making goals based on the logic. This is especially true for a really really really “important” goal (i.e. Addiction, staying-alive, spiritual beliefs or strong convictions).
Side Note
-Of course, this is not exclusive to porn addiction. Our minds distort our perceptions of reality. The short of it is that we have deeply held beliefs and convictions that we’re invested in. These can both help us or hurt us. These are often at the root of our mental states including the ones we don’t want.
Why do we need “permission” to act out?
If this is all true— these impulses are so powerful that our subconscious really wants us to act on them then why do we need to justify or rationalize our behavior, why doesn’t our brain just “make us” do it?
The short answer is that we sometimes have competing interests. By definition addiction violates significant parts of our lives such as a moral code, our physical health, our sense of self or identity, our relationships and so on. Most of these are both subconscious and conscious aspects of ourselves.
This has two different components:
We hate acting against our values and beliefs but this is precisely what addiction demands of us. This creates psychological distress or cognitive dissonance. The brain wants to avoid this cognitive dissonance because this can really keep the addiction at bay so it wants to override the system.
We ultimately have a choice. However small, and difficult that choice is, you have to consent on some level to direct, intentional actions. Always, period. In a sense, you need to give yourself “permission” , however small to act out.
The addicted part of our brain knows this, this is why it distorts our reality to avoid the discomfort of violating our values and to convince us to consent.
Here are some common thinking distortions among addicts
-All or Nothing or extreme thinking: This is when the mind gives us two polar opposite alternatives with nothing in between. For the addict, it usually sounds like “if I don’t act out then…(name whatever awful feeling or event you like) is going to happen.” or “I acted out with porn, I’m the worst person!”
-Entitlement: This is when we believe we have a right to something, usually from somebody else. For the addict this sounds like “I need porn” , “I deserve to have sex” , “You’re my wife, you owe it to me.”
-Wants become Needs fallacy: This is replacing wants or urges with a need. Needs are imperative and non-negotiable. It sounds like: “I need to masturbate in order to sleep” or “I can’t be happy without porn.”
-Perfectionism: This is an offshoot of all or nothing thinking. It erases any possibility of making mistakes without total failure. “Oh well, I already started looking at these hot pictures, might as well go straight to porn” or “I’ve already acted this week so what’s the point of fighting this urge right now.”
-Fallacy of Fairness: I believe that if I’m “good” then I deserve an external reward like sex or porn. “I’ve been working so hard this week, I just want little break.”
-Externalizing: Blaming others or outside circumstances for me acting out with porn.
-Absolute Emotional Reasoning: I feel something, therefore it must be true.
This is by no means an exhaustive list but these are ones that come up often enough when working with people. It can really help to recognize them and make note of this kind of thinking.
Last Thought
I will perhaps write in the future about a specific cognitive skill to help clear up distortions but for now, become more aware of your own thoughts and what you feel when you’re thinking them, be more aware of which one’s your mind like to tell you and work on disputing it by pointing out the facts or the reality of the situation.
