DARVO — Framework for Understanding Abuse

The Reality of Abuse

Whether we like to admit it or not abuse is present in our lives one way or the other. Unfortunately, this term gets thrown around a lot on the internet and in our relationships to such a point that it starts to lose it’s meaning, significance, and potency. Some voices will call everything abusive in a relationship—almost obscuring any meaningful information, while others will simply deny or bring it to such narrow definition that it practically makes it non-existent

So what is abuse and why does matter to relationships?

In simple terms abuse is any action where the rights and dignity of a person is violated. In this sense, we all commit abuse against one another regularly. Insults, demeaning posture towards others (i.e. eye rolling or intentional sarcasm meant to insult), slander, gossip, lying, unwanted sexual advances, etc… are all different instances of abuse towards others. Of course, we could go on and on with this list and of course these are all harmful to our relationships but despite the harms that these cause to others, they are not necessarily abusive in the clinically meaningful sense. Any of these transgressions could be part of an abusive relationship but in and of themselves do not define it.

What defines the an abusive relationship is the pattern and the intention of the harmful behavior. Abusive relationships consist of a Pervasive pattern of manipulating the narrative and experience of the relationship in order to control and dominate the another person.

Abusive relationships are about Domination and Control through whatever means they deem necessary.

For most people this is hard to comprehend especially if you are the victim. For most people, we enter a relationship with the expectation of equality and mutually supporting each others goals and priorities. We compromise, we give the benefit of the doubt, we trust what others are telling us, and we’re okay at being wrong in arguments and conflicts. In short, we’re willing to give a lot of credit to our partner, boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. This is because we have the unstated assumption that they respect our dignity and rights as a person. However, an abusive person has a totally different outlook on the relationship, that they need to control their partner at all cost in order to feel okay. Without a person realizing it, all these natural ways to give in an equal relationship are now used against them without their knowledge.

It is incredibly difficult to spot the signs of this kind of situation while you are wrapped up in it. In my experience, it is first a Felt Sense that something isn’t right but they can’t put words to the experience. I will write more about the what this experience feels like in another post but for now I find the following framework helpful in bringing some sense to the madness of abuse.

DARVO is an acronym developed by psychologist, Jennifer Freyd who is well respected in this area. Through her work on relationship trauma she began to notice a common pattern in these situations — a pattern on how abusers flipped the script when their behavior was confronted and challenged. Instead of taking accountability, apologizing, and making amends they would go through this common pattern of Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and (Offender) redefine the narrative in the relationship.

DARVO

It stands for:

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, Offender

Denial:

This is the phase where the abuser denies any responsibility or accountability. They could deny it straight up or they may lie about the situation or minimize their role in it.

Take for example a spouse caught looking at porn, It usually sounds something like this:

“no! of course not! I promised I wouldn’t do that!”

“well, she was wearing something so it’s not really porn,”

“It was only a little peek, I didn’t watch the whole thing,” or “it’s just a movie, it’s not a big deal, there is sex in movies.”

Attack:

If denial doesn’t work because of concrete evidence (i.e. they saw the search history), then may progress to attack phase. Typically this looks like attacking/blaming the situation on the one who caught them.

For example: - “What are you doing snooping!? What kind of wife does that anyways?” Or “I wouldn’t do this if you’d have sex more. What’s a guy supposed to do!?”

Reverse Victim

They continue down this road by turning themselves into the victim. Instead of acknowledging the other’s pain or concern, they make themselves the object of empathy, the “Real Victim is me!”

This sounds like: “If I had a hotter or more sexual wife, I would never have done that. It’s not fair that other guys get sex! You never put out enough! A wife is supposed to keep me from sinning, read the Bible!”

Offender

The final result is that the victim is made to be the offender. It is really the wife who is the bad guy in the situation. It is the wife who needs to make changes, not him. His behavior is only a response to her “negligence” and lack of “duty.” In the end, the victim feels guilty and that they are the real problem.

Last Thoughts

A long standing pattern of these types of interactions can make anyone feel crazy and inferior and this is precisely the goal of abusive partners. However, there is hope for the victim. There is a way out and into sanity. It starts with trusting one’s intuition, seeking outside perspectives who can look at these situations and see them for what they are. Ultimately, it becomes a matter of having building self-esteem, self-confidence, and appropriate boundaries.

I will write more about what this process can look like and why a person is abusive, what motives a person to want control and power in their relationships.